id be glad to
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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