He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
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