I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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