Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
