I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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