my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
