why didn't you poke me back
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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