he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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