I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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