Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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