I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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