i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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