i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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