Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
