If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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