Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
