Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
