fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
