I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
