Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
