Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
there is glitter all over my balls
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