You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
