at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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