i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
