Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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