Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
