Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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