So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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