Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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