I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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