i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I did not marry a roomba.
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