Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
