Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
