I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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