Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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