Don't make out with my wife yet
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
