Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I supernannyed him into submission
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize