quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
