i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
