I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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