how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
