I met the friendliest cop last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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