glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize