margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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