I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
