I accidentally had phone sex last night
never play flip cup with pint glasses
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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