I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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