According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
