I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
