I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You left your phone here
Wait...
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