im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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