it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
