Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
