His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
