My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
