Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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