I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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