my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
