I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
