My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
