ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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