i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
