Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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