Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I have tasted many bathrooms
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
