you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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