Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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