so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
