im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
