so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
