there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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