i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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