Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My cat gives me a boner
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
